I was wrong. Everyone told me I was wrong, that no, this was not about aliens. I persisted, swearing to God I knew it was and they were just being foolish. Who would watch 80 minutes of men almost fighting wolves and being scared that wolves were out there? It had to be aliens. Again, I was wrong.

I thought this was going to be an epic film about aliens in the deep white dark, but no. It’s about a pack of grey wolves who are hunting some oil worker bros after a plane crash. I’m not terribly sure just why these man against nature movies are so popular; then again when you spend your life dwelling in urban terrain, maybe the appeal is a bit stronger.

“Deadly Wolves Are Gonna Attack, Imma Tape Broken Bottles to My Fists and Recite Poetry”

Barring the fact that wolves typically avoid humans, if you were about to square off in a battle to the death with a pack of wolves and you had a KNIFE, you would not spend time taping busted bottle fragments to your knuckles. Sure it makes a sweet 80s type montage, but it’s pretty much bullshit.

The ending was tightly wrapped up; after arming themselves, a poem is recited and you see the gleaming eyes of the enemy… some wolves. They could have done some CGI scenes of them fighting wolves, but most of the movie is about the suspense that leads up to the meh-climactic ending.

But Liam Neeson against a bunch of grey aliens? You won’t need to have an 80′s montage of him taping a knife and broken bottle shards to his hands! There’ll be more run and gunning than an after dinner session of Modern Warfare 3.

A NEW REIGN OF FANTASTIC SHIT IS COMING!

 Blog spam? No more. If Newt can tell people to get a job AND panhandle for money, we can have an awesomer site. Let’s party!

-Sara

A white Herman Cain? Check out that pimpalicious jacket!

Vermin Love Supreme, a new true hope for America?

When he’s president, we’ll all get a pony.

• “I’m a friendly fascist, I’m a tyrant you can trust!”
• “A vote for Vermin Supreme is a vote thrown away!”
• “My free pony platform is a job creation platform… ending our dependence on foreign oil.”
• “We will power turbines with zombies, creating energy to lessen our dependence on foreign oil.”

But in reality, Vermin Supreme is actually a delightful performance artist, anarchist and kidney donation activist. His satirical political career began in 1988 when he ran for mayor of Baltimore Maryland, he lost. He ran for mayor of Detroit and Mercury, Nevada, and lost those as well. In 2000, Supreme declared that he was the “Emperor of the New Millennium” and uses it as the main reason in his campaigns that he should be elected president. He’s participated in every Democratic Presidential Primary since 2004, where he garners a small amount of votes each time.

Some find him an embarrassment to the Democratic Party, but to them I say go shit in a hat. A dose of surrealism and a little realism could go a long way towards bettering public opinion. It takes balls to wear a rubber boot on your head as a hat, glitterbomb your opponent at a televised presidential primary debate because “Jesus told you to.”, and of course admit that the whole thing is a sham. When you have nothing to gain by playing party politics, you can be a Bizarro pony entitlement fascist all you like!

You can find out more about him in a movie directs and costars in as himself, “Vote Jesus, the Chronicles of Ken Stevenson”, check it out here! It’s not out in theaters yet, but there’s a trailer about how they infilitrated the heartland’s most notorious subculture: fundamentalist Christians.

But when was the last time you heard the chicken dance as a politician’s closing statement? It’s time for a change America, and that change is Vermin Supreme!

The reveal of the “Hero of Time Defeated” branch was surprising. I wonder if this was always the timeline or if it has morphed over the years to expand on the universe and story line.